


Nothing Is Quite The Same

by Hundan



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, NCIS - Freeform, TIVA - Freeform, TOC, this deals with what danni believes should have been dealt with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25279867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hundan/pseuds/Hundan
Summary: He wasn’t prepared to see her face when that black bag was pulled over her head. He wasn’t prepared to ever see her again. But there she was. Dirty, eyes so hollow he almost found her unrecognizable. But it was her, even if she clearly wasn’t quite the same woman.Set during Truth or Consequences 07x01.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 20
Kudos: 49





	Nothing Is Quite The Same

**Author's Note:**

> Since re-watching Truth or Consequences this one has been rumbling around in my head. Turned out longer and different than I intended, but here we are.   
> I don’t think the writers were realistic in what happened to Ziva over in Somalia. From my education and training on hostile environments in the warzones, she wouldn’t have come out unscathed. So, I always thought that needed attention. I believe, even Ziva would have broken following her captivity. And, I also believe no one would face that situation alone, especially not with her turning up rather proper and prim to work two weeks later.   
> Here is Danni’s answer to the situation.   
> It’s sad and this is your warning. Slight mention of torture but nothing extensive.

** Nothing Is Quite The Same **

He wasn’t prepared to see her face when that black bag was pulled over her head. He wasn’t prepared to ever see her again. But there she was. Dirty, eyes so hollow he almost found her unrecognizable. But it was _her_ , even if she clearly wasn’t quite the same woman. He doesn’t want to think about what brought the darkness to her gaze but after three months in this hell hole who would really be the same?

When she says she’s ready to die he doesn’t know how he feels about that. Because she’s not gone, she’s not dead like he’d spent a lot of time crying over and he didn’t plan on letting it get that way now she was still here.

He never wants that feeling of such hopelessness again. He really couldn’t live without her.

They all scamper onto a helicopter while the guns still fire around them and the screams echo in the air. He sees the way Ziva is flinching at the sounds, eyes darting all over the place. Almost like so much is going on that she never expected and she doesn’t know where to look. She really had been committed to dying in that dirt prison and that makes his heart ache.

He has to help lift her into the craft and he notices the way she’s bony and he can feel her hips and ribs so prominently. Her feet are bare and torn, dirty. He’d noticed the way she’d limped and leant all her weight on him and McGee walking out here. Not that it had been much weight to bear. He wants to be sick.

He doesn’t miss the way her hand is grabbing out behind her for him when he sets her on the deck of the craft, like she’s scared he’s going to disappear and she might wake up and it’ll all be a long-forgotten dream. He does his best to reach her quickly, sitting down beside her and making sure she’s strapped in properly.

Gibbs and McGee sit across from them. Both men have blank gazes, because they hadn’t expected that they would be coming back with a plus one. Honestly, Tony didn’t plan to come back at all. They are both staring at her, because she’s really there and Ziva isn’t looking at anyone. He suspects this is all too much for her, this isn’t how she had planned anything going in her mind.

As they lift off the ground and gain height into the sky, he feels her hand grip his so tight he thinks she might break his bones. She might not break his fingers, but his heart was another story.

* * *

It takes them far too long to fly to the U.S military base in Djibouti but it’s the only one in Africa so he supposes the options could have been worse. As soon as they touch down and he lifts her out of the helicopter she’s shaking. He quickly wants to be back in the air though, because he’s no longer close enough and he can’t touch her.

She’s being taken away by the medical team and he feels his heartrate climb too high, like he’s going to have a heart attack when her eyes flicker to his for the first time since they left the dirt covered interrogation room. In her eyes she looks scared and fragile, she’s desperate not to lose sight of him. He looks to Gibbs quickly who is talking to some military officials and the older man’s gaze is following the same woman as his.

Gibbs sends a quick nod to Tony, for him to follow and he sees him say something in the direction of him and Ziva to the military men. The last thing he sees is nods from all men before he turns to follow Ziva and the medical team.

They’ve got her into a wheelchair by the time he catches up and he wonders just how broken she was if she lets them put her into such a contraption. The Ziva he remembers would break someone’s leg before she’d allow anyone to let her be this dependant on them. The thought hurts him more as he strides to the side of her chair and her eyes are on him, her hand reaching out for his. He’s never seen her this desperate for him.

He’d never thought he’d see the day where his independent ninja would be such a broken fragile bird. It tears his heart up and makes his throat tight as he holds back his emotions when he gathers her little hand in his. He needs to be strong for her.

* * *

Their destination is too white and too bright. It might not be a hospital but it’s close to it. It still gives him that shiver up his spine of uncomfortable memories. He’s never liked hospitals, his mother died in a stark hospital room. He thinks that after this encounter, he’s only going to dislike them further.

The room they end up in is large and smells like every cleaning product he could think of. He would guess that’s due to the fact they probably wheel in victims of the battlefield who bleed out all over the floor, some surviving and others not so much. He couldn’t imagine the clean-up following that but he knows that’s why it smells so strong of bleach. He wonders how anyone that works here can ever go home and not see death when they smell something this clean.

For the second time today, he wants to be sick.

Ziva was sat on the bed and two of the doctor’s hover around her, asking questions and touching. He notices the way she flinches at the touch and she says something quietly to the female to her right. Tony doesn’t hear it but the woman puts a hand on her male counterparts’ shoulder and asks if he can get Rebecca. The doctors are quick to get what’s going on but it takes Tony a little to catch on.

Ziva doesn’t flinch as much when both her doctors are now female, but he can see she’s still anything but relaxed.

He doesn’t realise he’s just standing there staring at everything, specifically Ziva until someone touches his shoulder. The male doctor is at his side saying something but his ears don’t understand and all he can hear is white noise. Then the female doctors are saying something and Ziva is staring at him too.

Everyone is staring at him. He watches the way Ziva shakes her head to a question and the doctor next to him gives his shoulder a little shake.

“Sorry, what was that?” Tony asks, not daring to take his eyes off Ziva. Her eyes are still hollow and he wonders how long it’ll take for the light to return.

“Miss David and the doctors want us to step out for a while” the doctor’s voice is calm and gentle with him, clearly seeing how on edge he is. He swallows another lump in his throat. If Ziva wants him to leave, he knows it was about to get scarier in this room then she ever wants him to bear witness. He feels the way tears prick at the back of his eyes at the thought behind why that would be.

He knows the evidence of her brutal months in captivity will be displayed. The reason her eyes are so hollow. She is trying to save him from the burden of seeing it, being witness to her nightmares. If it was his choice, he wouldn’t move a muscle and he would bear that weight until the day he dies. But if she’s not ready to let him help take that weight from her, he’ll respect that and be there when she is ready.

He prays that she’ll let him take the weight one day, but that might be a journey ahead yet.

He nods at the doctor to his side, only briefly taking his eyes off Ziva before looking at her again. She’s meeting his gaze and nodding at him, giving him permission to stand down from his vigil.

“I will be right outside this door if you need me” he speaks to her, ignoring every eye in the room being on him. This was about him and Ziva, but mainly Ziva. He did not care what anyone thought right now.

She nods at him again and small, almost unseen smile grips the corners of her mouth while a tear slips and rolls down her cheek. She was making it impossible to walk away, but he must do as she wishes. All of this, it was new. It’s not the same as it once was and he needs to treat her with care, almost tiptoe around the new unstated rules. They have a very long, unstable journey ahead and he must let her guide that path.

He may have thought her dead and believed that was the hardest thing he’d ever experienced, but what she undoubtably had gone through had been much, much worse.

He retreats from the room and as promised stands right outside in the corridor. The doctor says he should be checked out and tries to get him to go to another room but Tony stands heavy in protest.

“I can’t leave, I’m staying right here” he says even as he starts to notice his slow heart rhythm and that he is physically shaking. Whatever Saleem put in his ‘Truth Serum’ was clearly causing him some issues. But no, he wouldn’t move. _He’d promised her._

The doctor seems to get this and gives him a once over before disappearing. He returns with a chair and makes him sit down before returning again with some medical equipment to assess him. He’s prodded and poked and the doctor was a little concerned to hear something unknown had been injected into his system. The doctor takes blood from him and makes him put on an oxygen mask.

* * *

His eyes must have become heavy because he is asleep when her piercing screams wake him. He bolts up in the chair outside her room and his doctor stops him just before he busts down the door. He contemplates physically fighting the doctor but he remembers the guy is just doing his job and he tries to control his suddenly wild breathing.

“Just let me check first” the doctor states, putting a gentle hand on his chest as he tries to sit Tony back down. Much against his will, Tony follows the orders. It doesn’t mean he’s not sweating and almost vomiting in anticipation by the time the doctor comes back out.

“She would like you to go in” the doctor begins and he’s out of his seat before he’s finished speaking. A hand is on his chest again and the doctor blocks his way “If you go in there, you need to be strong for her because it’s not pretty” he finishes. His words make Tony feel sick for the third time today. He’s sure this doctor has seen many things so he’s almost scared to walk through that door.

But for Ziva, he needs to be there. If she can’t do this alone, he needs to carry the weight. No matter how much it breaks him.

He knows it will.

He steps in and the room seems so much smaller than it had before. Ziva’s back is too him and its naked but not bare. Fresh cuts have split her skin in multiple places, burns. Some are old and have healed bad. Both doctors’ eyes are on him as their hands hover over the wounds with some kind of cleaning items.

“She doesn’t want painkillers” one of the doctors tell him and he finds himself nodding. At least his Ziva was still in there somewhere if she’s turning those down. He would smile at the thought if the situation wasn’t so terrifying.

When he finds his feet and walks closer, he notices that she’s fully naked with just a blanket over her lap. He’s choking back tears by the time he comes around the front of her because he sees all her pain marking her skin. This was worse than he’d thought. Her left side ribs are black with old and new bruises, like a well-used punching bag. Her knees and elbows scratched liked she’s been dragged and thrown in the harsh stony dirt.

Raw skin in places, some he doesn’t want to acknowledge they make him sick. She’s shaking when he comes around her front and he hesitates to touch because he doesn’t want to scare her. She’d sent the male doctors away for a reason. But one of her hands are lifting from the bed and reaching out for him. He doesn’t hesitate after that point.

He’s stepping close and his hand gathers her extended one in his larger one, holding it against his chest. Her hollow eyes are suddenly filled with so much it alarms him at what he sees. The terror, the pain. He’s breaking at the sight of her like this, he wants to take everything back that ended her back in her father’s lap.

He swallows his rising anger quick when a tear slips down her face again and he brings his other hand to her cheek, brushing his fingers into her curls and wiping at the wet trail with his thumb.

“I’ve got you, I’m here” he whispers, his voice tightening. It feels like someone is gripping a hand around his throat and trying to bring him into the darkness. This was harder than every day he spent thinking she was dead. With everything he sees at work, it was so much harder when suddenly the most important person in your world is the one suffering. 

He will not cry, not right now. She needs him.

She sobs. Sobs right in front of him and her hand grips his as she leans into him. She ends up with her face pressed into his chest and he’s nodding to the doctors as he grips onto her and waits for the cries that will surely deafen him.

And they do, because her screams are chilling his bones and burning his heart all in one.

The doctors get to work and her hand is definitely doing damage to his one now. Eventually though the screams stop and she’s just quiet. He’s not sure if that’s relieving or if it makes him panic more. All he knows is he holds onto her and stops her falling into the abyss. She’s the most fragile thing he’s ever held in his hands right now and he will absolutely not let her drop and smash into a thousand tiny pieces.

When they get to assessing the sexual abuse part, he is physically sick. But he swallows it back down before she notices and he holds on tight to her hand. He is paralysed at the thought and he cannot help it at that point when some tears slip.

She sees. He worries that she’ll think he just pities her, but really his hearts just broken at the thought of the deep pain she’s had to go though and, in that minute, just for a moment he blames himself. It’s fleeting, but it was there for a moment.

He doesn’t know what she’s thinking because he’s finding her hard to read for the first time in four years, but she’s not mad that he cries for her and she doesn’t push him away, she only grips onto him tighter.

That’s the first time they cry together.

* * *

Later she’s dressed back in her clothes, cleared by the doctors as stable and she’s sleeping. He’s sitting at her side holding the hand he’d hardly let go of for the last few hours. His body feels hung over but the doctor tells him that’s the drug still in his system. He’s glad to see her asleep, resting like she almost, _almost_ looks peaceful.

Based off what he’s experienced this afternoon he bets there’s nothing peaceful in that beautiful mind of hers right now.

But she’s sleeping so he guesses that’s at least a start. He strokes his fingers softly across her forehead and touches her curls. They are still damp from the wash the doctors had given her. She’s let him in and he can only hope when they get home, she doesn’t lock him out. He wants to be there all the way for her, especially after he now has a good idea of the terror she had been dragged through over the last few months.

The door to the room clicks open and blue eyes and a grey marine cut tiptoe into the space. He hasn’t seen Gibbs since they landed and he ran off after Ziva. The older man looks a lot like he did when Kate died. He looks too nice, too soft around the edges. Tony’s suspicion is confirmed when he settles a gentle hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“How is she?” he asks, barely a whisper because neither man wanted to wake her from slumber. Gibbs briefly eyes the two hands gripped together on the bed before his gaze meet Tony’s.

“I honestly think she might be tougher than you boss” Tony explains, needing desperately to let out some humour. He hadn’t cracked for hours but he needed that relief. That stupid comic relief when he’s struggling himself and things honestly aren’t funny. But that’s who he is at the end of the day. A ghost of a smile edges on Gibbs’ lips, because he gets it. He understands. Tony honestly doesn’t think his boss will ever understand though, he didn’t see what he had. He didn’t see-

“She is. And still full of surprises” Gibbs said, his tone light and gentle. Her still being alive was a surprise. Tony’s not sure any of them will relax from the reel of that for a while.

“What about you?” Gibbs words fill the air again, because Tony had let it hang into silence. Gibbs knows that’s not like him, so it probably sends his Spidey sense tingling.

“I’m honestly fine” Tony said as he turned to look at Ziva again. No one deserves to not be fine when Ziva feels the way she does. Nothing compares to what she went through.

“You look like shit” Gibbs points out. Did he really look that way or was his boss fishing? Tony lets out a sigh and moves his hand to Ziva’s forehead, touching her skin and hair again because he needs to be reminded, she’s really there. He doesn’t care that Gibbs is right there watching.

“Doc says the drug will pass through my system eventually. Nothing to worry about” Tony tries again. He meets Gibbs stare eventually when the older man is the one who stays quiet this time. Gibbs knows of course, that the way Tony looks is only half due to the foreign drug in his body. The other half is absolutely because of whatever Tony has seen or heard about what Ziva had gone through.

He sends Gibbs a look that tells him not to ask, _don’t go there_. That’s when Gibbs really does realise that what Ziva had gone through was worse than he had expected. Gibbs sighs, because he didn’t want it to be that bad. He had hoped and prayed that it wasn’t quite like that. But life sometimes, always is harsher in the light of day.

His hand touches his senior field agents’ shoulder again, this time squeezing him in reassurance. Holding his gaze. It was a heavy gaze. Like the last few months Tony knows he’ll be the one that carries the heaviest weight in his heart when Ziva is concern. Sure, everyone else gets sad and says they understand, but it’s never the same as Tony. He would never change that though, because he loves this damn woman more than anything.

He’d do anything it takes, carry anything on his shoulders for this woman right here. A thousand times over.

“Flight leaves in two hours” Gibbs says gently and Tony nods. At least Ziva can sleep a little more. He knows he won’t, no matter how heavy his eyes were. He will protect her while she sleeps.

Gibbs disappears and Tony goes back to his post.

* * *

They’d found Ziva some shoes and when they went to the plane for the flight, she’d tried to stand tall. She didn’t cling to him like a lifeforce and she hobbled to the plane on her own two feet. He wanted to help but he saw it in her eyes that she needed to do this. That he’d held her up when she was most vulnerable but now, she needed to hold herself up a bit.

She needed to face some journeys on her own two feet.

He did notice that she relaxed when he hovered close though, so it gave him hope that even if she needed to do some things alone, she still wanted his support. He didn’t push her on anything and his hand tingled at the want to reach out and hold onto her. But he would wait for her. There weren’t any lines in the sand between them now but he’d always wait to cross until she wanted it.

The plane ride was quiet. Four sets of eyes crossing paths but no one really speaking. Ziva didn’t sleep again, but she did sit next to him. He saw the way she closed her eyes but he knows she didn’t sleep a wink. Gibbs and McGee on the other side of the plane would be none the wiser though, so she probably put the effort in for them.

If he thought the hour flight in the helicopter had taken too long, the seventeen-hour plane ride home was exhausting.

Halfway through though she must have noticed his tension because she touched his thigh gently and told him to sleep, and that she would watch over him this time. He tried so hard to, but he couldn’t. his mind was alight with so much misery and pain that sleeping just wasn’t happening. To make things worse the drug still in his system wanted him to sleep and wreaked havoc on his body when he didn’t.

He only vomited twice.

After that Ziva held his hand and his mind was a little bit quieter. McGee was confused and concerned and Gibbs, well Gibbs looked worried about him for the first time in all the long stressful years Tony had worked for him.

* * *

Of course, he’d made another stupid joke in the elevator, because he’d seen too many things that have broken him in the last seventy-two hours and the silver box was too tiny and he felt suffocated. He could only imagine how Ziva felt. He’d noticed how shifty she had been when they walked in the building. Like this was another thing she never felt she would ever come back to. Like she was meant to die in that desert.

He still wasn’t okay with that thought.

He was worried about the reunion because he didn’t want anyone to spook Ziva. But when Abby wrapped her in a hug, she was relaxed enough to handle the embrace. For that Tony was glad. When everyone started clapping though his blood boiled. Yes, they’d brought her home, he was ecstatic too. But with what Ziva had gone through, there was absolutely nothing to clap for. He should have gone sooner, maybe there would have been less scars, less pain.

He shakes the hand that Ducky gives in congratulations, but he’s not interested in the celebrations the Director had initiated. Neither was Gibbs it seems. Not that his boss had seen the damage, but he’d seen what Ziva’s captivity had caused in Tony. And Tony had seen the secrets of her pain. That was enough to have Gibbs concerned and feeling the same as Tony about this show.

He just goes to his desk and watches her, back on his post. He sees the way McGee looks at him like something else is going on. Tony knows McGee is smarter than he leads people to believe so no one needs to explain to the younger man what’s going on. Why Tony hovers around and stares at Ziva like he does.

So, Tony just sits and stares, watching her to make sure she doesn’t break around everyone. If he needs to sweep in and rescue her, he will, until then he’ll watch her like a hawk and only rest when he knows she’s safe. She stares back, because knowing he’s right there if she needs him means so much. When her eyes look away just for a moment, he doesn’t know but she realises that if he wasn’t there looking over her, she’d probably have broken by now.

* * *

Gibbs decides she’s staying at his place tonight. He directs a very specific stare at Tony when he announces this. However, Tony’s not okay with that, it doesn’t sit easy with him so he confronts his boss in the restroom. Gibbs raises his eyes at the entrance. Tony starts pacing and everything he’d planned to say before walking in here has slipped from his mind. He was blank.

“You know the women’s bathroom is the other one, right?” Gibbs quirks, flushing the urinal and walking over to the handbasin. Tony stops dead in his tracks. Was Gibbs making a joke about how Tony and Ziva are normally the ones to target each other in the bathroom? Tony actually chuckles lightly at that.

“Thought I’d mix things up” Tony shrugged. Gibbs threw his paper towel in the bin and faced Tony, leaning his back against the bench.

“You two need a breather, otherwise you’ll become too reliant. She needs to heal a bit without you there” Gibbs stated, because Tony still didn’t know what he was going to say. Tony went to say something but at those words, ones he hadn’t considered, he thought maybe his boss was right. He thought Gibbs had tried to separate them for totally different reasons. But when he really thinks about it, he didn’t know _what_ reasons Gibbs had. But now he guesses he knows and he was less angry than he thought. He was just protecting them, both of them.

“You’ll call me if she needs me though, right?” Tony asks. His voice was soft, emotional. He didn’t know if he was letting too much show but it seemed as though his boss didn’t seem to mind. Tony won’t get any sleep tonight if Gibbs doesn’t promise to call him. When the older man nods, there is relief in Tony’s shoulders and he stretches his back and lets out a breath he was holding.

“Yeah” Gibbs confirms. The look he gives him tells him he’ll be true to his word.

“Thanks Boss” he adds. Gibbs looks at him for a moment, not saying anything. He had been analysing him ever since they found her in that dirt prison. He silently wonders what his boss sees when he looks at him. Gibbs pushes off the counter and goes to leave, but pauses at the door.

“And DiNozzo?” he calls back, hand on the door handle.

“Yeah Boss?” he shifts nervously at the look he gets.

“Stop using the bathroom as your office” he states and he’s gone. Tony chuckles softly. Yeah right, he will stop using the bathrooms when Gibbs stops using the elevator.

* * *

He’s fidgety and restless when he gets home to his apartment that night. All he can think about is Ziva and how she is doing. He’s had three showers already, wanting to wash every inch of that dirty place off him. That place had caused her pain and he didn’t want any bit of it left on him. That, and he didn’t know what to do with himself.

He knows he’s exhausted and should sleep because he’s seen the bags under his eyes. But he fears the nightmares that will come when he closes his eyes. He knows too much about what she’s been through and it will haunt him for years. She needed him, so he will carry that burden. He is prepared to do anything it takes for her and he won’t let her suffer alone.

He grabs the whiskey bottle and goes to pour his third drink, because he’s struggling and maybe this will help. Alcohol had always soothed his heartaches. But he stops. He doesn’t pour the drink, he can’t. If he has another he cannot drive and he will not let her down. This is not the man he needs to be tonight; he needs to be ready to be there for her. She had always hated that he turned to the drink when he was struggling, because she cared.

Maybe he should listen to her more often.

He sighs at himself and puts the whiskey bottle back on its shelf before placing his glass in the sink. Maybe he should try and sleep because if she needs him, he will need all the energy he can muster to be there for her. He’s exhausted and he really should just lie down, he has been fidgeting for over three hours since he got home. God, he was a mess. That thought makes him worry more about her because if he’s a mess, surely, she is too.

He lies down in his bed and pulls the sheets up around him. His thoughts never stop thinking about her but he does sleep eventually because he cries so much his body turns off and he closes his eyes.

* * *

She feels a bit of anxiety creep into her when they leave without Tony. As she sits in Gibbs car and he drives her to his place, she thinks that’s maybe that’s exactly why she must go without him. It makes sense. Gibbs would be the one to pick up on that, of course.

Gibbs doesn’t say anything to her the entire ride over. It is strange, being back here. She honestly thought that sand box of a prison would be the place she takes a breath. She had been ready to die. She saw the way those words had upset Tony. She knows he’s had an insight to her time there, he’s seen the scars, but he doesn’t know what it was like. How desperate she was to die because it was that hard.

That maybe this was what her life had come to and every life she had taken herself, had come full circle and it was her turn next.

But then Tony’s face sat before her. Of course, it had to be him. Would it ever of been anyone else? If anyone was to come in and save her, she knew it would have always been him. He’d dragged along McGee and Gibbs for the ride too, because it all came down to family. She closes her eyes and a wave of pain hits her hard. Her father didn’t come for her, but her real family had.

The car stops and she realises they are outside Gibbs home. She can feel the tears staining her cheeks and when she opens her eyes and meets the man’s gaze who had been more than a father than her real one had ever been, she sees the love. The care. He reaches out and places a gentle hand on hers. She doesn’t flinch at the touch, its sooths her. Much like Tony’s had. Because they are her family and they would never hurt her.

“Let’s get you inside” he says quietly. She’s never experienced him like this, quite so tender. Sure, he’d always been softer with her than the two boys, but this is all new. Everyone is treating her like a broken bird. She’s not sure how she feels about it, she’s never been good at accepting the fact something was hard and it’s okay to cry. But maybe she should. Maybe this is the only way she will heal from her time in Somalia. Because her family was there and if she needed to break and be picked up by them, they’d be there.

She nods at Gibbs and they make their way into his house. She cannot help but think after the last six months she hasn’t felt so safe. That she’d made the wrong decision on who to trust when she stayed in Israel. She’d had a long time to think about things in the desert and she knows she should have gotten on that plane. Her bullshit excuse to Gibbs about not trusting Tony had been just that, bullshit. She had always trusted him.

But at the time, she was in blind faith to Mossad, to her father, to Michael. When she shouldn’t have. But sometimes the biggest regrets in life teach you the biggest lessons. And she’d learnt a lot of lessons in the hot heat of her prison. She will be burdened by those nightmares, but they will always remind her who her family is and where she belongs.

* * *

She showers and Gibbs leaves her a change of clothes in the bathroom. Some old sweats and one of his old marine sweatshirts. It takes her a while to dry herself because she’s careful of her stitches. It would have been easier to ask for help, but she’s not okay with showing Gibbs her scars. Tony has seen them and one person bearing that weight is bad enough. She wishes Tony hadn’t seen them; she doesn’t want him to have nightmares because of what he’s seen.

But she’d needed him and he’d held her hand when she needed him the most. She was forever grateful for him. She didn’t know why she ever thought he wasn’t the person she could trust the most. He’d only ever had her back.

She didn’t think she would have gotten through to this point if Tony hadn’t of been by her side. She’s strong, but once she’d given up hope on living, she wasn’t that strong anymore. She admits to herself that she’s not the same person she was before she landed on the shores of Somalia.

She emerges from the bathroom and she finds Gibbs where he always is, working on his boat. She sees the way he sands the framing of the boat with a slight pull between his brow. Like something heavy is on his mind. She doesn’t like that she burdens her family with everything, like her returning from hell had upset everyone in her wake because they all know the pain she’d gone through without even asking. But she guesses this is what family was about, sharing your burdens.

She doesn’t like it and the thought agitates her because the old her would have pushed them away. But that’s not what this was about, she knows they’ll carry her pain just because. Because they were family.

For once in her life, she needs to allow them in and not push them away. This was one of the things she has learnt in her time in the desert. She does not need to face her demons alone anymore.

He looks up at her and smiles softly and she cannot help but smile back. He hands her a sander and she joins him at work. She breathes in the sawdust and the smell of his bourbon on the table. This was Gibbs. This was peaceful. Maybe it was silly of her to think she was ready to die in Somalia because being here, this showed her just how much she had to live for.

* * *

She’s still restless when she goes to bed that night, every time she closes her eyes, she sees Saleem and his men. She sees the walls of the prison and feels the hot sand under her palms. She never slept well during her capture, she was always so scared someone would burst in her door any minute and she didn’t like being caught unaware. Being aware of the torture that was to come never helped, but it made her break so much more if she was caught off guard. Those were the times she cried and she knew Saleem took pleasure in her tears.

The only time she had slept well in the last three months had been in the Djibouti medical facility when Tony had held her hand as she slept. She tries to sleep again and when it lasts just thirty-seven minutes and she wakes up in a sweat at the nightmares that cling to her, she gets up in search of Gibbs.

She finds him, still down in the basement where he retreated after he’d made sure she’d got to bed. He’s concerned when he looks at her and she wonders what he sees when he looks at her. She can feel the sweat grow cold on her skin. He puts down his sander and stops what he’s doing, she must look like hell.

“Can’t sleep?” he asks, stepping towards her and he places a soft hand on her shoulder. She shakes her head as tears fill her eyes.

“Nightmares” she whispers, admitting what she shouldn’t.

_I must not face my demons alone._

_I must not face my demons alone._

_I will not face my demons alone._

She sees the way his face breaks at her words, reminding her of the time when he’d been blown up and he was wild and breaking down in front of her because he did not remember who he was. She’d broke with him that day too. Because there have always been heavy truths between them, Ari was the first. She’s not going to hide her nightmares from him.

“How can I help?” he asks, his voice desperate to take her pain. She lets her tears fall at that. She knows what she needs but she’s almost scared to ask. She knows he won’t approve however she knows he also won’t say no if she asks.

“Can you call him?” she says. He softens and a sigh slips from him as he nods at her. He knew, of course. She feels so silly being this reliant on others but for once in her life she will take the offer. Because right now, she needs the strength of others. If only for tonight. Tomorrow, she will try to take the step herself.

Gibbs leans in a presses a gentle kiss to her forehead before searching out his phone on the workbench. He runs a hand through his hair as he puts the phone to his ear and he watches her. She knows as well as him, that rule twenty-eight takes precedence over the dangerously blurred lines of her and Tony’s partnership right now.

When you need help, ask.

* * *

He doesn’t actually expect the call in the middle of the night and it scares him. Because he’s being summoned and he’s terrified that it’s got to that point. He breaks ten different road rules to get there as quick as he can, he’s out of breath and he’s pretty sure having an aneurysm when he arrives.

Gibbs is at the door, looking unpleased at the fact he had to call him but they both know well enough that neither of them can say no to the broken woman upstairs. They are hopeless when it comes to her.

When he finds her, she’s lying in the bed facing the door, eyes wide open. She looks like hell and she clearly hasn’t slept a wink. He doesn’t say a word, he just walks in and sits down by her hip. The bed dips with his weight and her body tilts towards his easily at the movement. It sickens him with the weight she’s lost because it shows how she was treated and probably hardly fed. He must make her his Nonna’s lasagna, just like he used to the summer Gibbs retired.

He touches his hand to her hip over the blanket and before he can say anything her hand is gently resting on his one and she’s sighing in relief. Her eyes close briefly but those chocolate orbs are quickly facing him once again. He notices some of the light has returned to her gaze. He’s the one that sighs in relief this time at that sight.

“What do you need?” he asks. Anything, anything she wants he will do. If she wants him to stay right there, he won’t move. If she wants him to stand with his gun at the door, he’ll do it until he passes out. If she wants a dunkin donut, strawberry with sprinkles he will drive ten million miles if he has to. He wonders if she knows just how much he’s willing to do for her.

“You” is the choked word from her lips. Just that. Her eyes, those beautiful damn eyes, are filled with tears again. He doesn’t think he’s seen her cry so much and it breaks him down. He suddenly feels his own tears fighting to break free.

“You want me to get in, or stay here?” he clarifies because he doesn’t actually know. When she lifts the blanket back and shuffles over for him without a second thought, he knows where the boundaries lie. It shocks him that she wasn’t okay with touch from strangers, yet it’s like she craves his. He wonders if she feels just as safe in his arms as he does when he holds her.

He kicks off his shoes and is suddenly glad he came over in sweats and a t-shirt. It briefly flashes in his mind that they are at Gibbs’ house and he’s climbing into bed with his partner. If Gibbs kills him because of it, he’ll be okay with that.

He lies on his back, not quite sure what to do. Does he lie here and hold her hand? Does he cuddle her? He gets his answer when her hand touches his chest and she’s rolling to face him. Her eyes are heavy on his and they still hold a darkness. He can see the light creeping in though and he wants to hook onto that light and pull it up, leaving that darkness behind.

He lifts his arm and she shifts with him, moving closer and she presses into his side with her head coming to rest on his chest. They don’t do this; they have never done this. But he supposes that neither of them are quite the same anymore. He places his arm softly behind her and his fingers brush at her curls, careful not to press too tight and hurt her. He saw her back; he saw what _they_ did.

He hates so much what they have done to her. He wishes it was him, not her. He wishes he could make everything better.

“Thank you” she whispers and her breath is warm on the skin of his neck. She’s gripping at him tightly, her hand slipping around his waist. He wants to pull her so tight to him because she feels so real and he cannot believe that she’s here.

“What for?” his voice is rough, scratchy. Because he’s choking up about how much he thought he’d lost and now here she is again. She might be broken, but he’ll do everything he can to get his little bird flying again.

“For making things better” her voice is quiet and he almost doesn’t hear. Her words finally push him over the edge, simply because there’s nothing more he wants to hear right now than knowing he helps her heal. His hand in her hair pulls her towards him and he’s leaning down, pressing his lips to her forehead. He holds them there, lingering in the moment and her hand grips harder around his waist.

When he leans back, he hears her quiet sob and she’s burying her face in his neck. This was the second time they’ve cried together and he knows that on their journey to salvation it will not be the last. He has her and she has him, and nothing will quite be the same for them after this.

When their tears dry up and the pain feels a little less real, they both sleep and the nightmares cease to exist.


End file.
